<%@ Language=VBScript %> <%response.buffer = TRUE%> I Spotted Curie
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I Spotted Curie

Have you ever spotted a lone French scientist resembling Madame Curie, discoverer of radiation, and been too embarrassed to mention it to your friends or the authorities? The newly formed North American Curie Spotting Society is now here to help.

by Harmon Leon
Illustrations by Rama Hughes


People think I’m crazy, but I have proof; concrete proof. The skeptical tend to not want to believe what they can’t understand. They pass my life’s work off as the rantings of a mad person. To hell with them. I’m not talking about some looney-toon UFO sighting or some fabricated Jonas Salk hoax. No! I’m talking about Madame-flipping Curie! You know, the famous 1903 Nobel Prize winning radiation theorist. As a matter of fact, she didn’t win just one goddamn Nobel Prize, but two of those sons of bitches

As any idiot half-wit knows, French scientist Madame Curie was the first person to realize that radioactivity came from a source within the atom. She was also the discoverer of radium and polonium. Duh! Though it’s "claimed" that after a hard and full life of radiation research, Madame Curie passed away in 1934, many die-hard Curie fanatics claim they have recently sighted the famous Madame in various locations --mainly forests -- across the country. Some even believe the beloved Madame did not die in 1934, due to the extensive exposure to radiation, no, but is in fact still alive. This would make her more than 180 years old.

Our attempt is to provide the interested scholar with a general overview of the biology of Madame Curie to the same degree that one would expect from, say Jonas Salk (that son of a bitch who created that
lame-ass polio vaccination). Along with that, our society’s mission is to share our extensive collection of original Madame Curie poetry, composed during those dry periods when Madame Cure is more difficult to spot, tag, and track.

Crazy Little Thing Called Curie
I have a theory
That I'm crazy about
A lady named Curie

Since I do believe in a physical behind the legend of Madame Curie, it’s not surprising to hear about numerous new sightings of the Madame. It's to be expected, assuming Madame Curie is roaming the world, that people will spot her from time to time. In order to debunk skeptics, we at the North American Curie Spotting Society (NACSS) would like to account a few interesting recent sightings of Madame Curie.

One: While camping in the Ozarks, Hector McMurphy could swear he saw Madame Curie run past his camp sight. Thinking fast, he snapped one of the most famous photographs of the scientist. He recounts his tale:

"I was woken in the middle of the night by some strange rustling. At first I thought it might be some raccoons in the food bag. Imagine my surprise when I saw it was Madame Curie! Apparently she was hungry cuz she had her head in a bag of marshmallows, which we were going to use for smores. I said, 'Hey Madame Curie, whatcha doing?' When she noticed me she ran off into the woods. She wasn’t wearing shoes."

The vision of such a creatures stomping barefoot through the forests of northwest America, is beyond comprehension. Yet reason argues that this is the case. Preconceptions seem to determine what scientists are prepared to see, and one thing most scientists are definitely not prepared to see is a radiation researching-like creature in the woods of the American Northwest."

Two: At a Burger King in Michigan, Dorothy Krigmeir is positive she saw Madame Curie dining at the restaurant. Under hypnosis, she retells her tale:

"There was Madame Curie in the next booth eating two Whoppers and large fries. She was an absolute pig! I swear she was stuffing burgers into her mouth with each hand, letting the sauce run down her chin and onto her black dress. Sure she might be a brilliant radiation scientist, but boy, that girl had no manners."

Three: A New Jersey man, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims he once slept with Madame Curie back in 1984.

"I met her at this bar, see. I could tell she was pretty loaded. She was slamming back shots of Jager and was up on top of the bar dancing. It was pretty embarrassing. The bartender was going to cut her off, and she starts yelling, 'Don't you know who I am?! I invented the mother fucking X-ray!' Well after that, she was all over me like a bad suit. She insisted I go with her back to her lab. I was pretty drunk myself. Imagine my horror when I woke up in the morning! I quietly snuck out of her lab before she could wake up!"

Four: A Texas woman, who simply goes by Peg, claims she's been friends with Madame Curie for more than 25 years.

"In 1936 Madame Curie faked her own death. She was tired of all the publicity and the fast lifestyle led by Nobel Prize winners. She wanted to try something new. Not many people knew Madame Curie was also an accomplished trumpet player. After leaving science, she formed her own jazz trio, and is currently performing at Holiday Inns across the country under the name Radioactive Ramona and the Jazz Lab.

Five: A grandmother in Syracuse is positive that a woman fitting Madame Curie’s description is now writing a teen advice column for a local bi-weekly paper under the pseudonym of "Madame C." Her weekly writing and teen-advice points to the fact that it could only be the one-and-only famous female Nobel Prize winner.

Dear Madame C.,
I'm in eighth grade and I like a boy in my class. But I'm not sure if he likes me. Next week is the Jr. Prom, how do I get him to ask me? Signed, Love Sick

Madame C. Says,
I suggest setting up a small, make-shift laboratory in your basement and study the effects of X-rays, in an attempt to win the Nobel Prize.

Dear Madame C.,
I'm 13 years old. Lately I've noticed I've been going through some changes. My voice keeps cracking, and girls give me a gushy feeling inside. What do you suggest.
Signed, Thirteen and Confused

Madame C. Says,
These changes you are experiencing are nothing like the changes which occur due to massive exposure to radiation. Avoid close exposure to color TV and microwaves. Also, always have a protective shield when you get an X-ray.

Dear Madame C.,
My parents are unfair! On Friday nights they demand that I'm home by 10:00, while my friend's parents let them stay out until 11:30. I'm a responsible student and get good grades in school so I think they should let me stay out later. What do you suggest I do?
Signed, Unfair

Madame C. Says,
You should spend the extra time at home reading my biography written by my daughter, Eve Curie.

We at NACSS try very hard to provide solutions to the prevailing journalistic tendency to treat Madame Curie or Madame Curies as a near surreal phenomenon. Through shameless tabloid journalism a pattern has been created that has driven the entire subject into disrepute, giving those that have had a Curie-encounter no place to turn to for support. Now at NACSS there is such a place where one can go to have their story heard and perhaps even have some soup.

In view of the massive amount of evidence in the form of sightings, footprints, microscopes, radiation residue, croissants, a red towel, and other artifacts, we treat Madame Curie as a species of a large, female, bipedal hominid. Thus, we expect its characteristics to be reasonably related, though not identical, to that bastard Jonas Salk.

There once was a scientist named Curie
Who researched radium, not Chicken Curie!
She said with a grin,
While wiping off her chin,
Radiation waves are reason to worry!

When the early European settlers moved westward into the northwestern United States and western Canada they began to record the first sightings of Madame Curie. As early as 1784, the London Times reported the capture of a "medium-sized, French scientist" at Lake of the Woods, Manitoba. The strange part: this occurred almost 100 years before the radiation-discoverer was born.

The Spokane Indians believed "in the existence of a woman who determined the source of energy is inside the atom itself. She inhabits the top of a certain mountain, off to the west, researching the atom and it’s particles and doing lab work by night."

The Colonist described the capture of what may have been young Madame Curie from alongside a railway line near British Columbia. The creature, nicknamed "Curie" by her captors, was "half woman and half scientist," four-feet seven inches tall, weighing 127 pounds. "She had a long, black, lab coat and resembled a scientist with one exception, her body was that of a French woman!"

Fearing he would not be believed, Albert Ostman did not tell his story until many years after it happened. One night, while asleep in his sleeping bag, Madame Curie picked him up and carried him over the mountains to a valley surrounded by cliffs. There he remained, for six days, as the captive of Madame Curie until he eventually hit her in the back of the head with a shovel and managed to escape.

A factor that most people are not aware of is the stress suffered by those who’ve experienced a Madame Curie sighting, particularly abductees. Abduction can leave victims severely traumatized. Victims often don't know where to turn as they fear ridicule. Now, there are organizations like ours that understand what you are going through and can offer counseling by our certified, specially trained Curie-trauma-counselors.

Madame Curie radiates
My love
Much like Uranium
Radiates dangerous ions

Footprints are one of the few pieces of hard evidence supporting the existence of Madame Curie. The clearest was one set in a petri-dish in an academic building in Baltimore. Madame Curie footprints are typically a woman’s size 6 black shoe, idyllic for working in a radiation laboratory. Madame Curie tracks are flat-bottomed and the length of stride varies from about four to six microscopes.

The Patterson-Gimlin film is a movie taken of the Madame Curie in 1967. Both men lived near Yakima, Wash. Patterson was involved in the search for the elusive Madame Curie or Madame Curies for many years and had written a book on the subject entitled Does Madame Curie Really Exist? Well, Does She?!

Equipped with a 16mm hand-held Kodak movie camera, the two searchers set out and explored the wilderness regions, where Madame Curie footprints were found in prior years. In the early afternoon Patterson and Gimlin suddenly glimpsed a shadowy movement on a creek gravel sandbar.

"Look! It's fucking Jonas Salk!" Patterson shouted to his companion. It walked upright, arms swinging. "Let's go get it!"

But instead of having a protruding mop of white hair, the creature had a ponytail in a bun and spoke with a French accent.

"That's not Jonas Salk," Gimlin realized. The figure raises its arms defensively, then moved with unhurried deliberate strides, pausing momentarily to glare back with a "what-the-hell-are-you-looking-at?" expression.

"Oh my God ... it's Madame Curie!" Patterson shouted with rifle in hand, in case his friend was attacked by the woman who observed that energy radiating from compounds of uranium did not change with the different combinations of elements in the various substances. The men had previously agreed that under no circumstances would they shoot Madame Curie unless in self-protection.

Madame Curie vanished behind a massive redwood tree. After careful study of the film, we were able to discern numerous additional details. One series of frames, for instance, shows the action of the gluteal muscle of the buttock during walking, revealing that Madame Curie has a nice shapely ass.

The film has been studied by many authorities throughout the world who continue to remain divided on the authenticity of the sighting. To this time, no firm evidence has surfaced to cast a doubt on this truly amazing discovery. So why would anyone want to spend their time searching for that asshole Jonas Salk.

Madame Curie is neat
She is a treat
She is wise
And received the Nobel Prize.....
In Physics (1903)

Sure Jonas Salk was the man responsible for the polio vaccination. Our rival group NAJSSS (The North American Jonas Salk Spotting Society) charts sightings of this creature throughout the continent. But he is a man not even worth spending time to track let alone spot. Since the day I was forcibly thrown out of the university science department, I will hold true that Salk was one big son of a bitch.

As the story goes, while lunching, a fellow first-year science colleague of Salk argued that immunization is possible against diphtheria through the use of a chemically treated toxin. Salk stood his ground, retorting that to immunize against a virus disease, you have to experience the infection with an inactivated, chemically-treated virus preparation.

Clearly both doctors could not be right! As his poor colleague sipped at his milk, prankster Salk pulled out a diseased petri-dish and shouted "Booga-Booga!" His colleague, now hunched in fits of laughter, leaned over to examine the contents and was squirted with a long stream of water emitting from the diseased petri-dish. Ah yes, the asinine squirting-diseased-petri-dish stunt! Not only did Salk prove his point about his cure for crippled children, but he also caused his colleague to laugh so hard that milk sprayed out his nose and all over both the lunch table and his lab coat!

He was later heard screaming, "I’m Jonas Salk. I like helping crippled kids and playing mean-spirited practical jokes!" The bastard! How I’d like to get my hands on that polio-vaccinating-fucker. I’d twist his arm behind his back until he sang his praise of our beloved Curie. I should know it really happened. For that first year science colleague was ... me!

These are just the highlights of our analysis. Meanwhile, the search for decisive proof continues. As this goes to press, me and this guy named Gary are embarking on our second month-long Madame Curie expedition using infrared light, a French translation book, marshmallows and special night-vision cameras. Our goal is to bring back her head on the end of a large stick or pole. After that we’ll parade it around the town square, while shouting "We’ve go the head of Curie! We got the head of Curie! That bastard Jonas Salk is next!"

Perhaps, this time, we may bring back conclusive evidence that will settle the age-old Madame Curie debate once and for all.

Despite continuing pressure from the lawyers representing the Madame Curie estate, we will still continue our research with The North American Curie Spotting Society. We, the staff of NACSS, will not let this lawsuit hinder the quality and vision of our quest. We feel we have a duty and responsibility to uphold for ourselves and other Curie enthusiast and no Harvard-trained lawyer can take that away from us.

Like Madame Curie herself, who felt driven to continue her radiation research, we also feel driven in our pursuit -- even if it means a lengthy and tedious legal battle and perhaps an out of court settlement. With the same vengeance we spit on Jonas Salk's grave we shall continue our struggle. Our new address and PO box will be listed very shortly.

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